There was a young woman who had been facing the challenges of overcoming bulimia. She stood before a filled auditorium and shared her story. She ended her story with a self-deprecating assumption that the audience saw her as weak and really messed up. The facilitator of the event responded with, "While you have been focusing on what is so terrible about yourself, I've been focusing on how courageous you are to share your experience with us." The audience affirmed that statement with an ovation.

I've thought about that woman and others who face some extreme challenges in their lives. Challenges that take a toll on their self-esteem, their worthiness, and their self-concept. It happens to most of us. We've tripped up in our lives making those mistakes we wish we could retrieve and live over again. It bears on our soul and the mirror reflects to us that we've really messed this one up.

Steve Goodier shares this story in a recent Life Support Sytems e-newsletter.

A beautiful legend tells of an African tribe that ritualizes forgiveness. When a tribe member acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he/she is taken to the center of the village. All work ceases and every man, woman and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused. Then the tribe bombards the rejected person with affirmations! One at a time, friends and family enumerate all the good the individual has done. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with some detail and accuracy is recounted. All their positive attributes, strengths and kindness' are recited carefully and at length. Finally, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the outcast is welcomed back into the tribe.

As I read this I wondered what it would be like if we would follow such a ritual in our families, schools, and even workplace. What would it be like for the person, who committed acts of irresponsibility or injustice, to have the experience of forgiveness so tangibly expressed by everyone around them? What is more remarkable is the fact that rather than concentrating on the aspects of shame and condemnation, the focus was on what the person did right. His life, was not framed by what he did wrong. Instead he discovered what he did right outweighed the mistake in the future and a celebration followed.

Everyone knew what the issue was that brought the circle together. Wisely this tribe's tradition was one of reconciliation and reformation. The injustice of the act was noted, but the village was now ready to move ahead capitalizing on the essence of what this person had done right more often than not.

The village brought this person to a place that said doing justice and acting responsibly is noticed and is rewarded. Certainly, such a demonstration of having been told by everyone in the village, all the positive things that people saw and acknowledged, had greater impact than being shamed and condemned.

After reading about this African tradition, I began to wonder what it would be like for our children to have this kind of action when they made their mistakes of growing up. How different an impact on their budding self-esteem if when their milk spilled they were given the cleanup rag and told what a good job they were doing in getting all the milk up. Then being told how wonderful they are for being who they are rather than being told how could they be so clumsy again. How much more productive would it be to praise them rather than shame them.

This translates into our everyday situations. I think of the simple matter of when my husband would do dishes for me. Indeed, he did not do dishes the way I did. To me dishes included in wiping down the counters, cabinets and appliances. However, he did the dishes and I had learned that when I showed gratitude for that effort it went a long ways in our relationship.

How do we respond when others in our relationships make mistakes. How often do we say or at least imply that the person just doesn't do it right ever. That there must be something wrong with them to make mistakes so often. Do we even realize that each time we shame someone it is chipping away at their self-confidence and their perception of what they have or will accomplish.

There is probably not one of us who can't recall that moment of deepest pain that came from being shamed by a parent, teacher, employer or even our closest friends. We stood before that person hearing the focus on what was so wrong with us. Little did the person who thought they were correcting us, realize that forever more that deep shaming or condemnation would ride in our souls. It would prick our consciousness with doubt that we could ever really perform adequately or make the grade.

It is true that we do make mistakes. It is also true that acknowledgment of those mistakes must be made, for without that process we would continue to falter without awareness. However, what is also needed is to lift the veil of shame from the person to give space for moving ahead with renewed confidence.

We need to remember to celebrate and focus on what we see as the positive in a person's journey. Like the young woman who suffered from a struggle of bulimia, or the child who spilled his milk when reaching across his plate, their focus was on what went wrong. Our focus can be on what they do right. No need for shame or condemnation to chip away at their souls. Give them the dignity of their process to do better, to give them a chance to mature, and to be supportive of their effort.

This same concept is to be applied to the person we look at in the mirror every morning. We need to recognize we are living a human experience and we make mistakes and can try to do better next time. Certainly, focusing on the positives we can make our days more of a celebration in our adventures in living.

Maralene Strom
http://AdventuresInLivingsite.com