There was once an order of monks who slept in coffins, the very coffins that they would eventually be buried in. What little food they ate was plain, and the robes they wore were made of coarse cloth.

It sounds worse than prison life. Yet those monks lived that way voluntarily, even gladly. You see, they felt they were atoning for the sins of the rest of the world. They were accepting the burden of guilt for the sins of Man past, present, and future, and doing penance so that in the eyes of God, we would be judged worthy.

While most of us don’t’ carry around a load of guilt that huge, many of us carry some baggage. You’ve probably heard throughout your life from friends and family that guilt is bad. Many articles and books tell us that guilt is a “useless” emotion. They tell us we have to rid ourselves of guilt because it is an enemy to our peace of mind.

I disagree with all of these people. I don’t believe guilt is a “useless.’ In fact I believe that guilt is a very important emotion that shapes much of the goodness and generosity in our life. It signals when we have transgressed from codes of behavior that we personally want to sustain. Feeling guilty informs us that we have failed our own ideals.

For example in relationships, you have give-and-take. If you give too much in your relationship and don’t get anything back, you feel cheated; you get angry and frustrated. Your emotions are telling you that the relationship is out of whack. On the other hand, if you’re receiving and not giving anything back, you will feel guilty. You’re not doing your fair share in the relationship.

To take this a step farther, I feel that people who are entirely without guilt are actually a danger to society. It is a flaw in their personality. You see this in a lot of dangerous criminals who commit violent crimes without feeling any remorse or contrition.

However, too much guilt, or guilt for the wrong reasons, is not healthy. When you spend a great deal of energy feeling guilty, and apologizing to whomever will listen for things that are actually out of your control, you end up convincing yourself, and the people in your life, that you are ineffective and incompetent.

Unhealthy guilt is unproductive and toxic to our peace of mind, wisdom, and ability to care for ourselves and others. In the state of unhealthy guilt, it is not the omission of a specific act that triggers remorse. Instead, we live in a constant state of punishment regardless of what we do or don’t do.

In fact, too much guilt can paralyze you. If you allow yourself to feel too much guilt, it can be a way of avoiding action. For example, if you’ve done something you know is wrong and let yourself wallow in guilt, you might be tempted to say something like, “Well, I’ve suffered enough, so I don’t really need to do anything about it.” This is the worst way possible to deal with guilt, because it produces no positive benefit.

Unfortunately, it’s not always easy to tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy guilt. However, asking yourself these important questions can help.

• Is my guilt constructive? If your guilt is driving you to engage in constructive activities, it’s probably there for a good reason.

• Whose voice is it? Is the guilt based on how you guess others will feel about your action? For example, you may feel guilty about moving in with someone you’re seriously dating because you think your family won’t approve. If you find that your guilt stems from the fact that your sense of what’s important is different from your parent’s, then, it’s not useful.

• Is the guilt justified? Are you feeling guilty about an act you have actually committed or a fleeting feeling? You are judging yourself too harshly if you feel guilty because you are envious of a coworker’s promotion.

• What is causing your guilt? Be careful that your feelings of guilt are not arising from a sense of inadequacy. People with low self-esteem tend to feel responsible when someone else feels bad or guilty when they receive honors even if they worked hard for them.

• Are you being manipulated? If someone told you that you should feel guilty or behaved in such a way that stimulated the guilty feeling in you, your guilty feeling is suspect. Make sure that the guilt you are feeling is not the result of manipulation

Once you’ve determined that your guilt is healthy, you need to act. If it’s good guilt, you need to do something to make compensation for that guilt; do right. It’s not enough to say, “Well, I feel guilty” and it’s not enough to say, “I’m sorry.” You have to make compensation for the action that caused your guilt.

If your guilt is part of a relationship, it might involve an apology, but, at the minimum, you have to make it right. That’s what builds trustworthiness in relationships. You need to restore the relationship and build trust between you and the other person.

When you admit your guilt to another person, you are really asking for forgiveness, and that’s not easy. It’s difficult to be indebted to another person, but when you are able to say, “I was wrong” it’s a real sign of strength in the relationship.

Healthy guilt and its accompanying psychic pain motivates us to take responsibility for our mistakes. It forces us to admit our mistake, to reflect honestly on its cause, understand how it could have been prevented, and helps us to resolve not to let it happen again.

Healthy guilt deepens our self-respect. It is called forgiveness and that creates a shift in perception that permits us to see our mistakes as an opportunity to learn rather than as proof of how bad we are. Letting go of healthy guilt’s pain, we keep the deepened self-knowledge, compassion and empathy, and we experience spiritual growth.

Although guilt feels lousy, it can be a positive experience. It can lead to your growth as an individual and growth in your relationships. So take heart with guilt, and take action.

Joe Love
http://www.jlmandassociates.com