Why does everyone have to be right?

Why is it that people have to be right? Is it ego? Insecurity? A form of manipulation? Or some other reason that they are unconscious of?

I know that during my career and life I have probably been wrong more than right. So what difference does it really make?

First of all let’s establish that no one is ever right or wrong. I’ll bet that sentence will keep you reading! Let me explain.

Let’s pick any common subject. You tell me that the fish is over cooked. Or, it’s too hot outside – whatever. My response is that I think the fish is cooked perfectly right or that the weather is just fine. Now each of us could spend a great deal of time and energy trying to convince the each other that I am right and you are wrong. Granted, the temperature and the doneness of the fish are not really big issues when it comes to the need to be right but I wanted to keep the examples simple so there is no confusion about my point.

Back to the fish. Are you right? Am I? How about neither of us? Or, both of us? Who cares really! The problem is that most conflict or arguments and as a consequence stress, frustration and anxiety are the result of defending our positions or convincing others that our view, opinion or rationale is right or more right than the other person.

This happens relentlessly in relationships, sales, management, customer service – this list is endless folks.

Why do you have to be right? Why is it necessary for me to defend my position? Why do so many people get all worked up into a twit about stuff that for the most part really doesn’t matter? I will tell you, that companies go out of business because owners or managers need to be right. Fifty percent of divorces take place because people have to be right. Customers leave a business because they feel like they were made to feel wrong conscious or otherwise. Negotiations break down because people have to be right. People are not happy as they travel through life because they feel they are not right enough.

Why? Is it all in the name of power? Control? Or some other emotional need? I don’t really know. I do know that I don’t like to be around people who always make me feel wrong and that includes friends, associates, clients, relatives or total strangers. I am not saying that I need to be around people who cave into my opinions and let me be right. What I am saying is that I like to be around people who can have differing views but they do not have the need to make their view better than mine.

I recall a conversation that I had with a former spouse years ago. She said that what I was wearing for a social occasion was wrong. I said I thought it was O.K. She went on to tell me how I had no understanding of social graces and how to behave. Was she saying that if I agreed with her we could have avoided the conflict? Was she saying that if I went along with her view (she was right in her mind and I was wrong) that I was willing to accept that her view was right? You see, this can get really complicated if you let it. Some of you may be thinking, Tim you made a big deal out of nothing. So what, just go change your shirt!

I have to tell you there was more to this that what shirt I ended up wearing. It was about me being true to who I am, what I believe and how I feel. These are not right or wrong and they are not wrong because they differ from your opinion. I was not placed on this Earth for the sole purpose of validating you or your views. And, I was not put here to be punished by you while trying to maintain my identity.

Sure, my views will change as I learn more and so will yours. Does this mean that I must go through life, while I am waiting for this new learning or insight, being chastised by you? I don’t think so. If I choose to go down in flames in life for whatever reason then I get to inherit the consequences of my mistakes, lessons, failures or poor judgment. Yes, your council is encouraged and yes your help is appreciated but please, let me learn my own lessons when I am ready to learn them. Your job is not to save me from my own mistakes or failures but to accept me in spite of them.

Your decisions, opinions or views are for you and you alone. No one else has the need to accept them, agree with them or like them. And if they don’t that’s just fine too.

Ask yourself, who in my life am I trying to manipulate, change or invalidate by being right?

You have a choice in life you can be right or you can be happy. I am learning that you can’t be both.

Tim Connor
www.timconnor.com