Q. How do I develop self-love? Sometimes I really hate myself and can't see any way to change my feelings. (Rose)

A. A very good question Rose. Not so glib to answer because it is difficult to do. It means you have to try to overturn years of negativity and being undervalued by parents or lovers. However, it starts with 3 things:
* Gratitude for all your blessings in life
* Self-appreciation and living in the present, and
* Self-forgiveness.

A lack of self-love comes from a feeling of being unappreciated and unwanted, usually from our childhood which is then reinforced in adulthood. It also tends to keep us in the past reliving those unloved moments. I have learnt that when we keep ourself in the past it is because we don't like our present too much. We probably feel isolated, excluded, unloved and unappreciated, so we secretly blame ourself and live unhappy lives. We use our depression to maintain attention, but of a sort which, sadly, alienates us from others and have counter-productive effects. In short, our current unhappiness helps us to hark back to the past to remind ourself of how terrible we are.

We tend to keep the negatives stuck in our head, perhaps for sympathy, instead of facing them, acknowledging them, forgiving OURSELF and others and moving on. I could not forgive until I found love: self-love. To find true love from someone else, you have to love yourself first. No one can love you for you.

To begin the process of self-love, we have to ask ourself these questions: When did I last give deliberate thanks for waking up and seeing another day? When did I give thanks for the people in my life? For the things I have been blessed with? For the talents I have? For the faculties that still work? For my beauty, life and experiences? Do I just take everything and people around me for granted? When did I affirm and reinforce someone?

I cannot answer those questions for you, Rose, only you can. But people who live in the past tend to take their present for granted and are often mean with appreciation for their blessings, while many others have not been so privileged to even have a life. We have no present or future if we live in the past because we are so busy looking back there, we have no time to make a future or to appreciate what we really have.

The Power of Personal Habits
Someone once said, "If you want to know what your future will be like, look at your habits now".

Whatever habits you have today will dictate your tomorrow. So, if you have negative habits that keep you stuck in the past, you will only keep getting what you've always got. Your future will be no different from today. Your habits, the way you do things now, will guarantee that.

So, we have to stop beating ourself up over past actions, stop aiming for perfection and stop comparing ourself to others, otherwise we will always feel inadequate. We also have to appreciate our limitations, praise ourself DAILY for being a wonderful and unique human being. Stop seeking the approval of others when the only standard should be your own, and look outwards to others in love and appreciation than just focusing on yourself.

I have found all these to be most helpful in developing self love but, most of all, accepting myself as I am and giving thanks for every new day of my life, instead of taking it for granted, have been the biggest factors in nurturing my self love and moving from feeling awful to feeling fantastic. Do remember that no one can love what you reject, Rose, and if you really want to be appreciated, regardless of the opinion of others, you have to begin by loving yourself and being satisfied with who you are.

Elaine Sihera
http://www.myspace.com/elaineone