If you don’t have conflict in your relationship it is probably because you have a long distance relationship or are living in denial.

Conflict is normal in every relationship no matter how new or long lasting. Show me a couple who don’t have conflict and I’ll show you two people who have totally disengaged from the relationship or are in a complete state of emotional withdrawal. By the way neither of these are healthy for a loving, caring, nurturing or successful relationship – long term.

Conflict is either positive or negative. How can conflict be positive you might rightly ask?

The real issue is trust and respect. People who do not trust or respect their partner will generally let conflict further erode their relationship. People who trust and respect their partner will tend to use the conflict to create better understanding and or acceptance of their partner’s views, opinions or attitudes.

So the real culprit here is not the conflict itself but the degree of trust, respect and unconditional acceptance that is present.

So, let’s assume for a moment that you a high level of trust and respect exists in your relationship. How can you use normal everyday conflict as a relationship builder or strengthener?

It is as simple as developing a variety of rituals or psychological anchors.

A ritual is nothing more than a routine behavior that you want to develop in to a habit pattern or system. For example. You could use a simple odd or even approach to everything. Let’s say the male is odd and the female even. It’s time to decide where you are going to go on your annual vacation. He wants to go fishing in Alaska for a week and you want to lay on the beach in the Caribbean. You can fight or argue until you are both sick of each other to the point you don’t even want to go anywhere anymore.

Or, you use odd and even. It’s 2007 an odd year so guess what – it’s off to Alaska. If it had still been 2006 it would be - beach here we come. Whenever you are heading for a conflict, go out to dinner or eat in, a movie or the theater, who does the dishes, I don’t really car. The point is whenever there is disagreement and potential in the wings you have decided in advance to default back to odd or even – is it an odd or even day, odd or even week, odd or even month etc.

There are numerous example of rituals that you can come up with that will help you manage conflict to ensure it doesn’t erode your relationship.

A psychological anchor is a simple act or word that reminds the person of something either positive or negative. If every time you tell your partner you love them you gently tap the back of their hand over time they will begin to associate the tap with the words I love you. You now have an anchor.

Conflicts that are not resolve will fester and eventually have a negative impact on your relationship.

Tim Connor
www.timconnor.com