Staying and thriving in great, meaningful relationship takes some intent, work and vulnerabilities. Having said that, the complaint I often hear from one of the partners in intimate relationship is: “I wish I wouldn’t have to speak on and show my emotions”. To some of us the language of emotions is a familiar and desirable vehicle to great relationships. To others, speaking, even hinting on a discussion about emotions brings down an ‘iron curtain’ and they are bored, scared or emotionally unavailable otherwise.

What so scary about emotions?

In most cases it is fear of being exposed; entering an unsafe, vulnerable situation, painful memories will surface and there is nowhere to hide.

Actually, the entire topic of emotions is pretty logical: when you ‘get’ that our feelings have to do with avoiding pain and enhancing pleasure, you are practically an expert on emotions. Well, sort of.

Pleasure

Pleasure enhancing experiences are attractive and desirable to most humans. Once we produce that pleasure sensation, we seek that source of pleasure repeatedly. As simple as the satisfaction from father’s approval, great Italian food or your baby laughing out loud. These simplistic ways to look at pleasure will work in intimate relationships too: the look of love from your mate upon reuniting, sharing a moment of physical intimate touch and calling each other silly names as expressions of endearment.

Pain

At the same time, as pleasure takes its prominent place in our development, personality and remembrance, the awareness of pain, emotional pain, is carved in our long term memory too.

Painful emotional memories may be the results of being teased by classmates in childhood, losing attention due to sibling rivalry or in severe cases being a victim to child-molestation, and other occasions of unethical adult practices.

In intimate relationships there are plenty of opportunities for the hurtful memories to surface. And with those memories, the pain and fear of pain will become present in intimate exchanges.

Many of my clients are powerful professionals who every once and a while ‘freeze’ emotionally to the thought of being ‘found out’ that they are actually weak, needy and dependent on their intimate partner. Memories of pains would surface and cause them to regress.

At that time, a conversation on ’emotions’ will make them so vulnerable and fragile that they seek cover, as if they’ve entered an emotional war zone.

The Logic of Emotion

To experience the entire range of human emotions in intimate relations we need to learn to allow and relax with both pleasure and pain. One of the tasks of true intimate relationships is to create a safe place for human emotions.

Seeking pleasure and avoiding pain is the logic of human emotions. You’ve known that all along. Now, embrace them so your intimate relationship will flow, thrive and grow.

Nili Sachs
www.DrNili.com