One of the most difficult things for people to do is forgive others for their mistakes, transgressions or errors in judgment.

Forgiveness is not about letting the other person off the hook for their behavior. Forgiveness doesn't say, what you did was O.K. or acceptable. Forgiveness is about letting yourself off the emotional hook and releasing its negative hold on your emotions, feelings or attitudes. When you cannot forgive another person, and again it is not whether they deserve it or not, these negative inner feelings will resonate out to all of your relationships. It can be manifested in many ways: your lack of trust of others, your unwillingness to be vulnerable, your concern for being hurt again etc.

The value of forgiveness is for you and not necessarily the other person. For example, let's say your parents did something to you years ago and you have not been able to forgive them for some reason. Let's also say that they have passed away. How can you forgive them? Isn't it too late? Yes, it is too late to tell them you forgive them. They have died. But it is not to late to send forgiveness to them, thereby releasing the grief, pain or anxiety that holding on to this lack of forgiveness causes you.

Why is it so hard for people to forgive others? Do we really need to hold on to any un-forgiveness about anything anyone has ever done or said to us? When we believe someone needs our forgiveness we are assuming that they did something to hurt, disappoint us or cause us pain of some kind. Often these people didn’t do what they did intentionally. They were just acting out their imperfect human role and unfortunately did or said something that you feel was improper, inappropriate, wrong – whatever.

Everyone is just doing the best they can to get through this life with as little stress, heartache, and trouble as they can. When someone hurts us or causes us pain is it because we had too high of an expectation for them? Does this issue really belong to us or is it theirs? One of the greatest causes of disappointment is the unrealized expectations of another person’s behavior.

Sooner or later everyone you know will disappoint you in some way. It is inevitable. Does this mean then that we will always be needing to forgive others all the time for everything? That would take far too much energy and concentration to make sure I didn’t forget to forgive someone for something. Or, would a better approach be, to understand that these people did not mean to hurt you. They are not setting out to give you grief, but to just get through their life's circumstances, dramas or issues as best they can. (We are talking here about most people now. Yes, I will agree that there are people who have made it their life purpose or mission to hurt us, invalidate us, and in some way reek havoc in our lives)

To see yourself as a victim is to wish your circumstances are to continue.

Who do you need to forgive and why? Remember forgiveness is not about the other person or what they did or didn’t do, it is about who you are and who you are becoming, how you are growing and relieving yourself of the negative residual health, emotional and relationships issues that can be caused by failing to forgive someone.

Believe me, I do not condone violence when a young student is gunned down in the hall of some high school. I do not condone a drunk driver maiming an innocent pedestrian for life. Bad things to happen to good people. I do not know why. But, when you choose to carry un-forgiveness around for the rest of your life you are give even more power to that person to control your emotions, feelings and life. They are not worth it, Let it go. Who or what do you need to forgive so you can move on?

Tim Connor
http://www.timconnor.com