Many people experience "emotional clutter" in their lives. They hang on to negative emotions and limiting beliefs from the past, and just like physical clutter, this old "junk" blocks them from creating the life of their dreams and from being happy.

They may believe that it is important to hang on to these reminders of unhappy experiences. Often they think that hanging on to the negative emotions will remind them not to make the same mistakes again. Unfortunately, this is not the way it works.

Hanging on to negative emotions from the past only keeps you stuck in that negative emotion and wrapped up in the past. For example, focusing on the fact that someone has hurt you or has treated you unfairly doesn't help you let go of feeling hurt and angry. When you hang on to the negative emotions, they keep you stuck in that negativity. You stay angry, or hurt, or fearful or sad.

Some people say they have learned from their experience, but their focus is on the negative learning. For example, if you have been dumped by someone you cared about, you might interpret the learning as "He was just a jerk," or "Men can't be trusted." Neither of those beliefs allow you to move on and create a happier life.

However, a positive learning may help you let go of the negative emotions and move on. A positive learning might be that "He had his own baggage," or "He gave as much as he was capable of giving." A learning like that can allow you to let go of resentment and negative emotions, and allow you to move on.

When you have had traumatic events in your past, reframing the learning as "They did the best they could, and didn't know how to do it differently" can change the emotional charge on the remembered event. It is true that everyone does the best they can with the resources they have available to them at the time. For the most part, people's intentions are good. Most people don't intend to hurt you; they don't sit up nights figuring out ways
to mess up your life. In all likelihood, they had their own baggage that interfered with their ability to treat you the way you deserved.

There is learning from each experience we have. Whether we focus on the negative learning or find the positive learning in it determines whether we stay stuck in the past negative experience or move on to happier times. I vote for happiness.

(c) 2009 Linda S. Pucci, Ph.D.

Linda Pucci, Ph.D. is a psychologist, life coach, trainer and owner of Inner Resource Center, LLC. She has over 30 years of experience helping people overcome obstacles, change their lives, and reach goals they had not thought possible using her solution focused approach. She specializes in helping people get unstuck from "emotional clutter"--the negative emotions and limiting beliefs that sabotage their success. For more information go to www.InnerResourceCenter.com.