“Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings.” Samuel Johnson

A dear friend of mine once told me that speaking is 90 percent about how I live my life and only 10 percent about what I say when I am on the platform. I disagreed with this at first but as I spent more time with this statement, I knew it was true. And I think it is true in areas of all of our lives – both in business and in our relationships.

In order to be successful as a speaker and to connect with my audience, I need to be authentic. An audience will spot a phony from a mile away. I also need to be living what I teach because, if I don’t, it’s sure to be noticed. For me, this has always been a big task because I’m not perfect, I make mistakes and I still struggle with many of the things I talk about.

One of my areas of focus when speaking is self-confidence. Helping others to feel good about themselves and their lives is my passion. I love to look out at an audience and see the lights go on, hear them applaud themselves and watch them grow – often right in front of my eyes.

But what happens when the speaker is struggling and doesn’t feel “up”? I had three times recently when my self-esteem dipped and each time I learned something new about my relationship with myself.

You are enough.

The first time was when my back went out. I am an active person who likes to be busy and on the go. Having to spend a week flat on my back and let other people take care of me was not fun. I hated lying around and, more than anything, I felt extremely unproductive. I couldn’t do anything, which led to feeling guilty and sorry for myself. I was not a happy camper.

As I lay in bed all week, I began to think about who I am and what I do. During those long days, I pondered how so much of what I do is tied to my self-esteem. When I am productive, I feel good, but when I am unproductive, those old negative thoughts fill my mind. It was during this forced reflection that I realized my real self-esteem should come not from what I do but from who I am. If I could never do anything else again for the rest of my life, I have to be enough. I am okay just because I am me – not because of what I have done.

You are unique.

The second lesson came at a school function for a high school student I have mentored. She invited me to come and celebrate her acceptance into the National Honor Society. I was thrilled to be asked and happy to go and support her. I love this young woman and am so proud of the things she has done with her life.

When I got to the event, things changed and before I knew it I had started playing that dangerous mental game of comparing myself to others – not a good place for me to be. Before arriving at the school, I hadn’t thought about the fact that my son is the same age as this young woman. Why hadn’t I pushed my son to apply? Why wasn’t he there? Then I looked around at all the students there and all of the proud parents. Everyone naturally assumed I was there for my son.

I began to feel guilty and compare myself to the parents who were there. When one of the speakers talked about authenticity – being who you are no matter where you are – I realized that I am who I am and I have allowed and encouraged my kids to be who they are. It wasn’t about me. I was there for her. I was there to be a cheerleader for someone I care about a great deal. And the fact that my son was not there did not matter.

I left the event feeling free – free to continue being me, free to let go of guilt and free to stop comparing.

You are loveable.

The third event happened when my husband was out of town for five days on business. He had never been gone for any amount of time before, so this was strange for me. I am usually the one who goes away – not him.

While he was gone, I missed him and really wanted to be with him. Yet I did not tell him that. Instead, I was crabby and on edge when we spoke. I teach people to share their feelings with others, but, because I felt left out, here I was not telling him how much I missed him and loved him.

Miraculously he never held it against me. He just kept telling me he loved me and missed me. I felt like a fool, which, of course, caused my self-esteem to plunge. And to compensate, I just got busier and busier. I didn’t take the time to sort through my feelings and realize I was “acting out” my feelings of being left out. And taking it out on my husband just deepened my low self-esteem. I know I need to take time for myself – to take time to understand what is happening around me and how I am reacting to it. When I take time for myself, I can love who I am. When I do not, my self-esteem begins to tank. And when I do not feel good about me, it’s hard for me to let others love me.

I learned once again that, in order to be free to be who I am and to love myself, I not only have to love myself – I need to let others love me as well.

I hope that on your journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance you can know in your heart that you are enough. I hope that you can acknowledge that you are unique and stop comparing yourself to others and that, through it all, you can let others love you. You are awesome, you are worthwhile and you have permission to feel good about yourself and your life.

10 Keys for Loving Yourself
1.Give yourself positive affirmations daily.
2.Make a list of 100 things you like about yourself.
3.Be gentle to yourself on busy or stressful days.
4.For every negative you tell yourself – repeat three positives.
5.Work on achieving one personal goal. Success feels good.
6.Stop telling yourself that there is something wrong with you.
7.Surround yourself with people who like you for who you are.
8.Do not compare yourself to others.
9.Give to others – this gets the focus off of you.
10.Laugh, love and live full out each day!

Michelle Neujahr, Motivational Speaker & Small Business Consultant Michelle Neujahr provides motivational keynotes, in-house training seminars and small business consulting services to organizations ready to take their business to the next level. She delivers high energy, dynamic presentations guaranteed to reinvigorate your organization and revive your people. With more than a decade of experience as a motivational speaker, Michelle has given over 1,000 presentations to audiences across the country. In addition Michelle has owned three businesses, worked in the corporate world as Director of Sales & Marketing, is an author and serves as an adjunct business professor. Companies hire Michelle, time and again, to entertain, educate and motivate while creating a positive, energetic tone at any conference or event. Some of Michelle’s clients include: 3M, Wells Fargo, Medtronic, St. Paul Children’s Hospital, and Carlson Companies.