1. Do Stay in Zona Sul

Trust us on this: most of your day and night life will revolve around the Ipanema neighborhood. Try to stay as close to it as possible.

2. Don't Walk Around With Jewelry

Ladies and gentlemen! This is not your turf, so no matter how much clout you have at home, it is not worth shit here. Necklaces, rings, expensive watches, bracelets etc. are not to be worn except when you are off to a swanky event or club. Otherwise, keep it down low.

3. Don't Argue With Cops

The cops here have the IQ of a mango and the integrity of a daffodil. It doesn’t matter who is right, who stole what from whom, or if you didn’t know she was under 18. If they want to arrest you for anything, let them, then call your consulate. If they want to fine you for something you did, usually for a driving offence (another reason for not driving), then it is up to your bargaining skills to negotiate them out of giving you a ticket. They won’t suggest it, but will make it easy though.

4. Don't Try To Do Cultural Stuff In Barra

Barra is a nice neighborhood in Rio. It is modeled on American suburbs, with wide avenues, malls and strip malls, yet with skyscraper residential buildings instead of houses. Most of the businesses have names in English. It is, in summary, a taste of American life. If you are American, this is not what you came down here to explore. So the only 2 places in Barra we recommend are Praia do Pepe, a beach spot where the hot women are (usually waiting for their surfer boyfriends to swim back in) and Nuth, one of Rio’s most exclusive clubs.

5. Don't Stay Far Away Because It Is Cheaper

Okay, you have a Brazilian connection that you met back home or on the Internet. He is the one who begged you to come and you did. After arriving , you realizehe lives in bumble fuck. What to do? Stay at his place and please him rather than enjoy the practicality of staying in Ipanema, as this Guide suggests? Or should you tell him that you want to explore Rio by yourself during the day (while he works or goes to school) and that you two can hook up at night? Go for the second option. You will waste more time on cab traveling to and from his place.

6. Don't Try To Drive

Don’t rent a car and try to figure out Brazilian road signs. Ok, believe this: not even Cariocas (people from Rio) know how to get around this maze-like city. So unless you’ve got a very good excuse, don’t try to drive around. One wrong turn and you can end up in the slums, being fined by the cops, or stuck in rush hour traffic. Even if your trip is all-expenses-paid, stick to taxis.

7. Don't Try The Peppers

Your stomach is not used to Brazilian peppers. Even if you can handle them, your intestines are bound to react in an explosive way.

8. Stay Away From The Hills

Most of Rio’s slums are on the hills, so with the exception of Santa Teresa, Cosme Velho and Joatinga, hill sides and mountains should be avoided like the plague.

9. Don't Assume The Weather Will Stay Nice During Your Stay

The weather in Rio, as in most tropical cities, can change drastically from cloudless skies to dark rainstorms. If it’s sunny, don’t waste your time doing indoor tours like museums or shopping.

Cristiano Nogueira
Writes for http://www.rioforpartiers.com