How times have changed! There is internet lingo that puzzles me. Actually, it’s downright confusing. I hear terms bantered about such as ASP, Baud, CATP, and MUD to name a few, so I decided to look up some of these terms using the various internet resources available. It became obvious to me that I will never be an upper level website designer or a website designer at all for that matter. I leave that to you technical gurus. Being someone who is set in my ways (that’s part of what a curmudgeoness is), I have definite ideas as to what computer words, acronyms, and initializations should mean rather than their actual technical meaning.

Cited below are ten examples as to why I have computer lingo dysfunction - the first paragraph is my version of the word, the second paragraph is the correct version:

1. Applet: Reminds me of a small apple. My mother always said, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away”. Sometimes I can't eat a whole apple so I figure if you can’t eat a whole apple, then an applet will do. Net lingo states that an applet is a small Java program that can be embedded in an HTML page. I’m really confused. I thought Java meant “coffee”. I think I need another cup.

2. Archie: Used to be a comic strip character in the 1950s and is later associated with the bigoted, irascible main character, Archie Bunker in the TV sitcom, All In The Family. I loved my Archie comic books. My mother used to get mad at me for leaving them strewn all over my bedroom floor.

According to my internet resource, Archie is software used for finding files stored on anonymous FTP sites. Sounds pretty sneaky to me…getting into anonymous sites…kind of like my mother sneaking into my room while checking out my comic book stash. I wish I could have stored my comic books on a site rather than my bedroom floor, and then I wouldn't have been in as much trouble with my mother.

3. ASP: Means as soon as possible. When my mother said, “Clean your room ASP (she never said ASAP) or I’ll throw out all your old comic books”, I did it…ASP.

In computer lingo it means application service provider, an organization that runs one or more applications on their own servers and provides access to others...for a fee of course.

4. Atom: I know it as a source of vast potential energy. Atoms used to be split (for all I know they still are). They were used to make bombs during WW II. Not a pleasant thought, but true. Sometimes I want to drop a bomb on my computer when I can't get it to do what I want it to do. I did just fine with my old Smith-Corona electric typewriter.

In internet language an atom is evolving protocol for syndication and sharing of content (whatever that means).

5. Backbone: My vertebrae that are housed in my spinal column which keep me walking upright. Without it I would fold over into my lower extremities. My mother always told me, "Keep your backbone straight. It's good for your posture." She continues to tell me that people need “backbone” in order to survive life’s difficult challenges…to be brave in the face of fear.

My internet resource tells me that backbone refers to a high-speed line or series of connections forming a major pathway within a network. I guess that’s how our spinal column works…a pathway within a network.

6. Baud: Reminds me of bawdy. In high school we used to refer to naughty girls as “bawd babes”. In computer land we can refer to them as “baud babes”. I am glad I wasn’t one, but they always looked like they were having more fun than me. Being a teenage girl was tough and still is.

Come to find out, baud is the number of times per second that the carrier signal shifts value. For example a 1200 bit-per-second modem actually runs at 300 baud, but it moves 4 bits per baud. Imagine that! I was never good at math.

7. BIT: Something you put in a horse’s mouth to control the animal…if the horse lets you.

Computer talk states that BIT means binary digit, which is the smallest unit of computerized data. Why don’t they call it BD for binary digit instead of BIT? No wonder I get confused with this lingo.

8. CATP: This is what my cat does in his litter box.

It actually means Caffeine Access Transport Protocol, a common method of moving caffeine across Wide Area Networks such as the Internet. Huh?! How does a person move caffeine across the internet? Must be through a Java program.

9. Cookie: One of my favorite things to eat with a tall glass of cold milk, tea or caffeine a.k.a. java. Home-baked chocolate chip cookies are my favorite.

Internet resources tell me that a cookie is a piece of information sent by a web server to a web browser. The browser is expected to save and to send back to the server whenever the browser makes additions from the server. Whew! That’s tougher than trying to decipher income tax forms, making it about as clear as mud. Which brings me to my last computer vocabulary term.

10. MUD: Something I used to play in as a kid. You may still find me slopping around in it when I work my horses in the spring. Pigs love rolling and slopping around in the mud…it makes them smile. It makes me smile too. When I was a kid my mother always told me that my room looked like a pigsty, especially with all those comic books on the floor.

In computer talk MUD means multi-user Dungeon or Dimension, a (usually text-based) multi-user simulation environment. I’m not even going to attempt this one.

Yesterday I needed to get out to the barn ASP before it rained. We were supposed to have a thunder and lightening storm. I took two applets out to the horses where I proceeded to bit each of my equine friends while standing in the mud that was created from the downpour last week. Both horses are mares (girl horses) and were very energetic. I guess you could say they were “baudy” girls. It takes a lot of backbone to get up on those two frisky horses. My mother will be proud.

When I got home I cleaned Bear’s (my cat’s name) litter box because if was full of CATP. He drinks a lot of water when the weather gets warm. After that I showered and had cookies with a tall glass of cold milk. I’ll probably spend the rest of the day trying to figure out how to transport caffeine over a Java program so that I can share cookies and coffee with all my friends…especially my good pal Archie.

Oh, by the way, it just started thundering and lightening outside. I made it back from the barn just in time. The thunder sounds like, (you guessed it), an atom bomb exploding.

Internet Resource: www.matisse.net/files/glossary.html

Pamela Beers
http://www.pamelabeers.com