It's a strange fact of life that we say things to our teenagers, that we know beyond a shadow of a doubt, they will totally ignore. Yet we continue to say these things in the vain hope that they might just obey us. It's like saying to Attila the Hun, "Be nice!"

Many of us labour under the delusion that our teenagers are actually absobing these words. But teenagers have a sort of parent sheild, that deflects all but our most strident (or pain inducing) instructions. They also have selective deafness. They didn't hear our shouted instruction, three times, to go and bath, but they can hear a sweet packet open at 235 yards.

So here are the 12 greatest waste of time utterances a parent can make...

1. "Go shower, and don't use all the hot water."

2. "Don't talk on the phone too long." The teenagers interpret "too long" to mean "until death do us part."

3. "Have a nice day at school." (All kids know that this is totally impossible, so you will probably get the "stare of death" from them.)

4. "How was school?" Usual answer: "Fine." Information gained: Absolute zero.

5. "OK, you can use my headphones, but don't break them." You better get used to listening to your Beatles CDs in the car, Dad!

6. "Don't fight with your sister! "

7. "Be nice and quiet because I'm making a phone call." They think you mean quiet relative to the space shuttle launch, as experienced at a distance of 30 yards from the launch pad.

8. "Enjoy your party and be good, and be home by 10." HaHa. Funny one that.

9. "Don't use all your airtime up on your cellphone before the end of the month." If aforesaid airtime lasts to the end of the week, the earth would flip around and the ice caps would be in the Amazon, such would be the cosmic disturbance of this event.

10. "Here's some money for your trip to the mall. Bring me the change." The likelihood of getting change is directly proportional to the likelyhood of the temperature in hell dropping below 32`F

11. "Turn that radio /CD /light /heater /whatever off when you leave the room." The only way these things are going to go off is if Dad switches them off himself.

12. "If you're bored, why don't you read a book?" Reply: "Like, Dad, totally, books are like sooo 2003."

So we could save ourselves a lot of breath by not bothering to say these things, but what the heck! Our parents said the same things to us. It's like a tradition!

Oh well, enjoy your teenagers!

Duncan Kelly

I hope you enjoyed this article. It was enjoyable to write it for you.

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