Riding in a crowded elevator can be quite a pain. Sure, everyone needs to get where they are going, but they would also benefit health wise if they used the stairs. Then you could enjoy the airy comfort of an unoccupied lift, and they could all get slim and fit.

But how do you convince a lift-load of miscellaneous, disinterested and grumpy people to go exercise on the stairs? Well, there are ways. Here are 10 sure-fire ways to empty a lift by the next floor.

1. I was stuck in this lift for 12 hours yesterday. When the mountain rescue team got me out I was suffering from real bad dehydration. And they say this lift is a time bomb.

2. Have you seen the steel ropes holding up this lift? Talk about frayed! I'm surprised this thing can even get off the ground, let alone go up all these floors!

3. Wow, that baked bean and garlic sausage stew I had just now is really rumbling around in me! I hope I can last to the top floor!

4. I'm going up to see the criminal psychiatrist. He says my killing sprees can be cured! He said there may be relapses for a month or so though...

5. Hey, there must have been a bank heist or something! The other lift is knee deep in 100 dollar bills! I just got a whole lot!

6. I hear Playboy and Playgirl are doing a live combined photoshoot on the next floor!

7. Hi there! I'm collecting funds for the preservation of bat guano association, and I don't take no for an answer! Come on people, empty those wallets.

8. Do you smell gas? I'm sure that I can smell gas. Strong too. Nobody make a spark!!

9. Do you lovely people mind if I practice my yodelling? Thanks! I've got a big audition upstairs today.

10. My brother-in-law is the lift technician here, and he says that if more than ( state the present number of occupants) people get into this lift, the stupid thing goes into free fall. Luckily there's a big spring at the bottom of the lift shaft!

This should clear the elevator, apart from the deaf guy at the back that you didn't notice! Now all you have to hope for is that some other guy didn't read this article before you!

Duncan Kelly

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Duncan Kelly