I recently came across a paragraph written by my co-worker and I personally hold the opinion that the paragrah does not flow as naturally as it could be and he disagrees. The following is the paragraph:

Opponents of teaching sex education in public schools believe more strongly in traditional values than in public interest, for uniformly informing youths of safe sex and protected sex practices, and providing additional sexual guidance options outside of the family unit benefits society by giving young persons greater control of their development and security.

The problem, according to me, is between the first and second part of the sentence. The former talks about the opponents while the latter about proponents. And i suggested the following:

Opponents of teaching sex education in public schools believe more strongly in traditional values than in public interest. However, I hold the opposite belief as sex education will uniformly inform youths of safe sex and protected sex practices, and provide additional sexual guidance options outside of the family unit, which will benefit society by giving young persons greater control of their development and security.

What is your opinion?